Big Law - The Money, The Mystique, and All the Mental Illness Fallout

"Big Law has a mental health problem. Why lawyers are now opening up about depression and suicide."

That's the headline in Insider, for the article by Casey Sullivan and Sinahu Sundar, August 30, 2022.

This outstanding profile in Insider of the emotional challenges overtaking the lawyers in large law firms could be followed up with another kind of analysis. That is how a vendor like myself interprets what she experienced being on retainer to a Big Law firm.

My story could be straight Rashomon. That's the 1950 Japanese film which depicted how those who lived through the same event could have very different perceptions of what allegedly happened. Those in the loop at Paul Weiss might not agree with how I sized up my two months on retainer for communications services. But, what I do know is this: The pain I had during that timeframe was for me over-the-top. 

The backstory. For over two years I "lobbied" the leader I admired and still admire - Paul Weiss chairperson Brad Karp - for writing assignments. I had been in the legal communications box since 2005. In Spring 2022 he agreed. There was a retainer agreement. But, come on, no way could he personally supervise my work. That role was put in the hands of the Chief Marketing Officer Luke Ferrandino. 

Maybe Ferrandino was also overworked, like the lawyers, and didn't have the time to figure out how I could create value. Maybe he was preoccupied with his own career. I will never know. All that could be Rashomon Moments. 

But there are some facts:

For two months there was no contract outlining my duties. 

There were no real assignments made (to simulate a work product I conjured up topics to blog about on Law and More). I felt out there in some 21st century version of the old TV series "The Twilight Zone."

There were no metrics how my performance would be evaluated. (What shame I would feel if the retainer agreement hadn't been renewed. Could I handle it, I wondered.) 

There was no NDA. That meant I was clueless what I should be saying or not saying. If I were to be discovered to be doing the latter would those 1,000 lawyers in the Manhattan headquarters come after me? That was scary.

First slowly, then quickly I was losing my sense of a professional self and my ability to cope. Meanwhile, the money and mystique "told" me that I should be "grateful" for the opportunity and accept the situation.

Then I couldn't. On June 1, 2022, I informed Paul Weiss I was pulling the plug on the retainer agreement.

It should have ended there. But it didn't. I wasn't bouncing back. 

To try to shake off the vestiges of the trauma I:

Fled being a vendor to law firms. That included ending my status as an influencer. I pulled down my syndicated blog Law and More. Since 2006, it had been a go-to for analysis of legal developments. Media linking to it ranged from Bloomberg Law to LexisNexis. The money had been good. One evening for three hours input on the blog I earned $2,500. But like one of the lawyers mentioned in the Insider feature, I "just couldn't do it any more." 

Then decided to leave writing entirely. It had been my writing skills which had pulled me into the Paul Weiss abyss. For a few weeks I paused. What sideline could I transform into another career path? Although a boomer, I didn't want to retire. The most promising one had been my intuitive career coaching. Eventually I shifted my LinkedIn Profile from communications to what I called "A Different Kind of Career Coaching."

Reflected on how the power of a well-paying large prestigious law firm can result in our losing our own power. I am a different professional now and a different person. No more chasing money and status. Now I celebrate my own power. 

The most poignant outcome is that what went very wrong for me in this business transaction could have thrown shade on my professional relationship with Karp. He had meant for the retainer to be an opportunity for me. I had expected to create value for his brand and that of the law firm. Sad.

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